Sunday, February 15, 2015

February Numbers

The beginning of February is a precious time for us.  Mari, Julianna, and Annika have birthdays on the 2nd, 8th, and 12th.  Kirk's mom and sister also have birthdays within those 10 days.  This year, there are some more milestones in February.  

Three thousand, five hundred and twenty four days = 9 years, 7 months, and 24 days = 115 months and 24 days, = 503 weeks and 3 days = how long Kolbjorn lived = the age Birgitte was on Annika's 5th birthday.

On February 12, 2015, Annika turned 5 years old.

On February 12, 2015, Birgitte was exactly 3524 days old.  The same age that Kol was when he died.

Birgitte is now older than her big brother will ever be. 

On the day Annika was born, I noticed that Kol's headaches were more frequent than I thought they should be, and I started looking for patterns, and possible causes.   

Annika will be 3524 days old on October 7, 2019, just 12 days after what should have been Kol's 17th birthday.

One thousand, eight hundred and twenty six days = 5 years = 60 months = 260 weeks and 6 days = how long it has been since Birgitte's first Grand Mal seizure

On February 12, 2015, Annika was 1826 days old. 

Today, February 15, 2015, is 1826 days since Birgitte's first Grand Mal seizure.   

One thousand days = 2 years, 8 months, and 25 days = 32 months and 25 days = 142 weeks and 6 days = the number of days since Kolbjorn died.

Today, February 15, 2015, is 1000 days since Kolbjorn died.

It's interesting to me that so many of these milestones overlap.  Maybe it's God's way of making it easier for us.  All I know is that the last two weeks, and especially the the last few days, have been full of bittersweet moments, and lots of tears.
I wish I could say that grieving gets easier over time.  The second year after Kol died was harder than the first.  Everyone talks about how the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first anniversary of a person's death (some say "angelversary", or "angel day") are hard.  They are, but for me, the second year was much harder than the first, and the 3rd year has been even tougher emotionally.

I think the 2nd year was harder because the shock had worn off, and I dealt with the reality that my son was dead, and would never be around to celebrate any more special days with us.  Now, in the 3rd year, I see our other kids continuing to grow, developing new abilities and accomplishing more, and I don't know what Kol would be doing or what he would be interested in as a 12-year-old.  It's hard sometimes, to see other 12-year-olds; how accomplished, tall and mature they are becoming as they begin to look like teenagers, instead of little kids.  We feel his absence so very strongly on on special occasions, and even on plain, boring days.  Family dynamics are so different than they were with Kolbjorn around.  We feel so strongly what Kol is missing out on, and by extension, the myriad of possible experiences WE are missing out on, because Kol's not there to add his unique touch. I know Kol isn't having headaches any longer, that he's not in pain, that he's probably happier than I could imagine, but I guess I'm selfish.  This hole inside me will never go away.  The grief will never go away.  Some days, I can't wait to see him again.