Wednesday, November 21, 2012


It's six months today since Kol died.  It seems like yesterday.  It seems like a lifetime.

It's been a long time since we've written anything on the blog.  I know there are still some who check here daily for updates, and I'm sorry it's been so long.  It's been hard to know what to write.  It's hard to know how open to be.  I don't want to risk being judged.  I want to be honest.  I don't want to be negative.  I can't be honest without being negative.  While there are so many things that I feel I need to share, I haven't even really felt capable of writing lately.  The thought of writing made me feel tired, overwhelmed, and confused.

At Bible Study this week, we talked about Peter walking on the water.  When he was focusing on Christ, outside of himself, he was able to do something amazing - he walked on the water.  As soon as he looked away and saw the wind and the choppy water around him, he started to fall.  Fear took over.  His trust disappeared, and he started sinking.  He couldn't get back to the surface, and didn't know what to do to get back up.

During most of the last 6 months, I've felt like I imagine Peter did when he was sinking.  I think our whole family has been feeling like that.  We've been lost, sinking under the grief from Kol's death.  I don't mean that we've lost faith, although Kol's death has certainly inspired us to re-examine what we believe, and why.  I do mean that we've been surrounded by the reminders that what we believed to be a safe, secure existence has no guarantees; that the future we expect to have can be taken in an instant, and we can fall from that safe place, to chaos without notice.  We don't know how to get back up to that safe place without calling to God for help, and yet we also know that He never promised us a pain-free life.  We feel Kolbjorn's absence so strongly.  It doesn't seem fair.  We miss him.  He should still be here, telling me all about the book he's reading, or explaining the purpose of all the little parts on the latest Lego creation he was building.  He should be here.

I wonder how Kol would have changed in the last 6 months.  Would he still do the blender dance, or would he have a new dance? What new songs would he have made up on his iPod?  What games would he like to play now?  What books would he be interested in now?  What new ways would he have devised to get out of distasteful things?  What else would he be interested in? Would he have grown taller? What kind of medical or neurological problems would we be facing?  There are no answers to these questions, and that fact leaves me with a longing for the empty, Kolbjorn sized hole in my heart to be filled.  The knowledge that it can never be filled again causes my heart to break just a little bit more.

The emotions come in waves - some days are easier than others.  Even on the good days, though, I often just want to hide.  There are days when I'm just angry, days when I'm numb, and days when it seems I can't stop crying.  I do believe that someday, the ache will just be a part of me - that I'll be able to look at that hole, and accept that it's part of who I am.  I can't do that yet.

Thank-you for continuing to check on the blog, for continuing to pray, for continuing to stand by us.   Thank-you for the unexpected flowers.  It's good to know we're not alone.


  1. We miss Kol too. I can't imagine how it is for you. We love all of you.

  2. Hi there <3 We just wanted to let you know we pray for your family and for Kol every day in class and every week at Praise & Worship. One of the students recently commented that he must be the happiest, luckiest boy right now because he's actually WITH Jesus, and wouldn't that be amazing? We're so sorry for the loss and pain you must be going through. Please know that we as a school will always be supporting your family, and you're constantly in our prayers. We love you. <3

  3. I am sitting here trying to think of something comforting and wise to say, but words won't come. Jesus did say "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Just know that you are in our prayers and we can listen if you need a listening ear.

  4. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
    Kol would want you to live life as best you can, with his sisters as a family.
    We are so sorry that you have to go through this deep loss.
    He was your dear son,who you all loved so very much!!!!!!
    There is no other way, but to grieve his not being there with you. He can't be replaced.
    We don't think it's negative, just real!

    Please keep asking the Lord to carry you, with HIs Hope,Strength and Courage.

    LDJ Clark

  5. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. It is such a long journey...but it will get better.

    Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again ~ Helen Steiner Rice

  6. I'm still praying regularly for your whole family. I know many others are as well. And we'll keep on.

  7. Praying for you and your family. Things will never be the same, but they will get easier. Continue asking God for His support. Take care.

  8. Your words are beautiful and true. Thank you for mustering the courage to write. Please don't feel guilty for not writing, though. Both the silence and the speaking are part of your path. May you sense Jesus gripping you in the midst of the darkness and the waves.

    Heidi O

  9. Know that we are still praying for you all. I wanted to share these words from a Steven Curtis Chapman song with you.

    "When you think you've hit the bottom
    And the bottom gives way
    And you fall into a darkness
    No words can explain
    You don't know how you'll make it out alive
    Jesus will meet you there.

    He knows the way to wherever you are
    He knows the way to the depths of your heart
    He knows the way 'cause He's already been where you're going
    Jesus will meet you there.

    When you realize the dreams you've had
    For your child wont' come true

    Jesus will meet you there..."

    Thank-you for sharing on your blog. You don't need to say sorry for not writing earlier. You need only write when you are ready to write, not because people are expecting you to. You are not being negative - you are being real. You are all brave and courageous in this heart-wrenching journey you have to go through. Your beautiful son is in heaven and you miss him so much. We will continue to pray for you all.
    Conny and family