Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Happy would-be birthday

Today would be Kol's 15th birthday. He would probably be at LCBI this month. He would be old enough for a learner's license, and I would be waiting for him to soon add his own dent or scrape to our battle-scarred van. I would be wondering when I would stumble across something questionable in his web browsing history and have a slightly uncomfortable chat with him about it. I would be starting to ask him those "so, what do you think you'll do after high school" questions that kids start getting around his age. I would be watching him with his friends, goofing around and joking, probably playing video games together. I would be watching him with girls, wondering who he likes and who likes him, but trying not to get too nosy or obvious about it. We would probably be talking about music, movies, stuff on Netflix, books, comics, phones and apps.

I wonder what would be different about him. Would he still be into Nintendo, or would he think that it's too childish and be into Xbox instead? Would he still be a voracious reader? Would he be into something unusual (well, unusual for our family) like playing sports, woodworking, auto mechanics? Would he still be playing piano? Would he still be singing? Would he have been in the Anne of Green Gables production earlier this year? Would he be fighting with his sisters? (His sisters laughed and said “probably!”) Would he be into Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook? Would he be playing drums? Would he have gone to the Saskatoon Fan Expo a couple weekends ago? Would he be interested in computer programming at all? Would he be begging us to get the new Millennium Falcon LEGO set (even though it costs as much as a cheap used car) or would he be "too old" for LEGO or Star Wars? Would he have been as interested as his sisters were in "Frankie K", the salamander we found in the front yard tonight?

Would he be waiting for or have already had cataract surgery (one of the so-called “late effects” from radiation treatments)? Would he be on hormone therapy to compensate for the radiation damage to his thyroid and pituitary? How tall (or short) would he be after the radiation damage to his spinal column? Would we be watching for other late effects from chemo and radiation? Would we be waiting anxiously for the results of his latest MRI? Would he be back in treatment for a recurrence or a secondary cancer, or would all these possibilities just be the “background noise” of our lives like it was six years ago?

Today I've been feeling the weight of all those "would be" moments and questions, but at the same time today I've also enjoyed spending time together with Kristen and the girls to celebrate and remember him. As much as the loss still hurts, memories of him and the love of our family still brings a smile to my face, even through the tears.

Happy 15th birthday, Kol. We all miss you, and we love you.

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