Six years

Today marks 6 years since Kol died. It seems somewhat more momentous this year, as this is the first time that this anniversary has fallen on a Monday again (May 21st 2012 was a Monday). We spent time out at the grave, cleaned up his headstone, switched out the old LEGO minifigs for new ones (First Order Specialists Battle Pack and an assortment of Series 18 minifigs, if you’re keeping track), had a picnic lunch, wrote messages on helium balloons and released them… much the same as other years, both on the anniversary of his death and on his birthday. And now I'm in an odd mood.

I’m starting to feel conflicted about these commemorations. On the one hand, it feels like we’ve created new traditions for our family, something that we can count on happening, something to look forward to. Its a great chance to connect, or reconnect with the girls, and to reminisce about Kol. The girls also look forward to it, and set the time apart to be just family. On the other hand, it starts to feel like a cliché, and some of my thoughts feel repetitive as well - “hard to believe it’s already been X years, but hard to believe it’s only been X years” is something I’ve found myself saying over the last few years. Actually, I just checked, and in a blog post just after Kol started radiation therapy in the summer of 2010, I said “six weeks feels like an instant, six weeks feels like an eternity”, so obviously I’ve been saying that sort of thing longer than I realized. Cliché or not, it still describes how we feel.

Other thoughts that keeps coming to mind are the “what would Kol be like today” and “would Kol have liked this or that” questions, and I find it harder to answer those questions the further we get from his death. We can look at what his sisters are like, and the things that they like now, and try to guess the answers to those questions, but as time goes on the answers seem more and more uncertain. Would he like the new Star Wars movies? Probably… maybe? I like them, and his sisters do too, but that’s no guarantee. Maybe he’d be feeling the need to rebel against his family, or to reinvent himself… or maybe he wouldn’t be that much different from the Kol we knew. Kol kept surprising us with his opinions and preferences - we certainly wouldn't have predicted that lime green would be his favourite colour, or that he would like public speaking, so what surprises would he have had in store for us in the last 6 years?

I do know that Kol loved Star Wars, and he loved music. We put together a mix CD for Kol to listen to while he received radiation therapy.  “The Imperial March” was one of his favourites. There have been some great rock/electronic covers of Star Wars themes over the past few years that I think he would have enjoyed, so I’m going to put a few of them up here. He never got to hear them, but you can take a listen for him if you’d like - just remember to crank up the volume.

Celldweller's electronic/dubstep cover of "The Imperial March" would've appealed to him, I think - he liked electronic dance music:

The "Force Theme" maybe wasn't one of his favourite Star Wars themes, but I think he would've appreciated this electronic remake of it:

And I'm pretty sure he would've enjoyed this rock cover, especially with Boba Fett drumming (he loved playing drums):

And this one isn’t really a cover of Star Wars music, but I think he would’ve laughed his butt off at it just as much as his sisters do:


Thanks as always to our family, friends, church and community, and loved ones everywhere for your love and support over the years, and for bearing with our odd moods. The pain of Kol's death doesn't hurt less as time goes on, but I think we're getting better at learning how to live with it.

Six years feels like an instant. Six years feels like an eternity. Love you Kol, we miss you.